Family and Leading

Whether as a volunteer or as a paid staff member - ministry is not for the faint of heart. It can be easy to become discouraged. It can be easy to work for God without spending time with God. It can be easy to have our time become consumed with pursuing excellence in our preparation, to the neglect of other God-given responsibilities. And if you feel called to some kind of ministry, it can be tempting to see others as an obstacle, rather than co-laborers in serving together on mission.

Whether you are living at home with your parents, are married, or single, or have children, a calling to ministry is not an individual call as much as it is a communal, familial call. I have found Pete Scazzero’s language to this end helpful when he talks about how we lead ‘out of our marriage or singleness.’

And if it is true that we minister out of our marriage or singleness, how should that reality shape the way we lead? I am learning that this idea means we do not lead and serve apart from our family but from our family. We lead as a missional representative of the family to which we belong. What is more, if this is true for those of us charged with carrying the responsibilities for a team, it is true for each person serving on our team as well.

Here are some of the rhythms I am trying to incorporate as I consider what it looks like to lead out of my family, and encourage my team to do the same:

Thank families, not just individuals. We often think that the individual is having to sacrifice their time to serve - this is true, but it is also a sacrifice for the family. Less time with a spouse, or children with their parent. It may mean driving separately, coming early, sitting by yourself, or solo-parenting. This is not just a sacrifice of the team member, but their family unit.

Involve the kids. I like to strike the stage every week. If and when possible, my kids love to help me wrap cables, clean up trash, and carry equipment on and off the platform. This is a simple way for them to feel a part of what we do as a family. And I hope and pray this is the way they will come to see ministry in the future.

Prepare at home. This is a great way to involve our families in what we are doing, and why we are doing it. My kids love to sing and practice with me for a Sunday - they will get out all of their instruments and play along as I sing through the setlist.

Use your home. Whether for team meetings, training, or discipleship - our homes can be a great place to show hospitality, but they can also be a great way for our families to be able to participate with us - in the preparation of cleaning, cooking, and hosting, as well engaging face-to-face with those we serve alongside.

Thank your family. I want to be aware that I am able to do what I do because my wife encourages and enables it. I can do what I do because my kids are willing to give up time with their Dad - this is not my thing, it is our thing, and they deserve credit and appreciation for the sacrifices made as we serve together on mission.

Lead from your family, not apart from your family. And encourage your team to do the same.

Working With Your Pastor

Relationships are never easy. They require time, communication, effort, forgiveness, and grace upon grace. The relationship between a worship leader and a pastor has layers of complicated dynamics at play: they are often your boss (your direct manager), your pastor (helping to shepherd your soul as a follower of Jesus), a friend (a relationship that exists outside of merely working together), a mentor (walking with you in personal relationship toward the Lord), and your employer (responsible in some way for your livelihood). These are complex and overlapping circles of relationship. While every person is unique, every relationship specific to the individuals involved, as I reflect on some of the relational pain, as well as evidence of God’s grace in relationships with pastors I have served alongside, here are a few things I hope will benefit you as you seek to work, worship, and serve in relationship with your pastor.

Focus on your own personal holiness. I am often reminded of Robert Murray McCheyne’s exhortation to pastors, ‘The greatest need of my people is my personal holiness.’ I believe this could be true in all our relationships - relationships with our spouses, coworkers, classmates, children, parents, siblings, team, etc. When I am more concerned over my own need to be conformed to the image of Christ, I am far less concerned about the failings of others. We are all in desperate need of the same grace of God. And when we recognize our own need, and gratefully accept God’s grace, how could we be angry, impatient, hostile, or ambivalent toward the same need in others?

You are on the same team as your pastor. A team that is being pulled in different or opposing directions cannot succeed. We must all keep in step with the Spirit personally and as a team. You are not in competition over vision, direction, or time on the platform each weekend. When we are in competition, we are proudly serving our own kingdom, rather than in humility serving Christ’s kingdom. Ed Welch says

‘Prayer is evidence of humility. Prayerlessness means that we neither believe Him, which is pride, nor turn to Him because we prefer to trust ourselves.’ (Ed Welch, Running Scared).

Pray for your pastor. For their own personal holiness, for their walk with the Lord. For wisdom and discernment to lead and serve God’s people well. For protection from the Enemy. Pray for your own heart to know how to love, serve, and encourage your pastor as you serve side by side for the glory of God and the good of His people.

Your pastor needs your support and encouragement. Our pastors carry more things than we realize. How can you speak life and courage into the hearts, and into their ministry? Talk to them, not about them. Assume the best, give grace. Speak well of them in their presence as well as in their absence. Honor God by honoring your leaders.

Relationships take work, but that cannot be work done by a single individual. Healthy relationships will require both people dying to self, and seeking the good of the other. Unfortunately, even within the church, even among those leading and serving the church, this is not always representative of how we interact one with another. Because of our sin, because of the Enemy’s desire to bring disunity and chaos into the Body of Christ, because of our own experience and baggage, we stand in constant need of God’s grace, mercy, and kindness to keep and sustain our relationships.

If you are involved in a relationship with your pastor that is abusive in any way - please seek outside, expert care and counseling. I am reminded of the Apostle Paul’s words in Romans: ’If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.’ (Romans 12:18). The sad reality of living in the broken world is that sometimes - even when we have done everything we know to do - it is not possible to live peaceably with all.

If you’re a pastor, here are four things that you worship leader needs from you.

Pursuing Unity

‘We are more divided at this moment than at any point in history…’ How often have we heard this or some similar refrain over the past number of years?Politics, racial justice, COVID-19, are just a handful of things which have exposed our deeply held beliefs. And divided not just our nation, but our churches and families.

Jesus prayed for us, that as His followers we would be one, as He and the Father are one (Jn 17:21). He said that the world would know us by our love for one another (Jn 13:35). Love and oneness require considering another over ourselves. We never drift toward oneness. Love does not grow without sacrifice. Working for and toward unity is an intentional, daily, ongoing work, until one day when Jesus returns and all of His followers will be one, and will love one another as He intends.

Specifically as worship leaders, there are many opportunities for disunity:

with your pastor, elders, or leaders about the length of sung worship, or how to structure a service,

with the musicians and vocalists over parts and responsibilities,

with sound and tech people over execution of the corporate gathering,

with children’s ministry volunteers for running too long, or too loud,

and with the congregation over songs and style

just to name a few!

So how do we navigate a fallen world, broken relationships, and our own sin as we desire to become the unified, loving Body that Christ has called us to be?

An obvious, yet critical answer: Pray. “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.” (Eph 6:12). When we recognize that this is a spiritual work, we must also recognize, apart from a work of the Holy Spirit, we are incapable of becoming unified and loving - sharing the same heart and mind with our brothers and sisters. Pray often. Pray with those whom you desire unity. Pray for your heart, and the hearts of those you serve alongside.

Die to yourself. This is the work of every follower of Christ - dying to ourselves daily, taking up the cross, and following Jesus. Some hills are worth dying on, others are not worth losing - or splintering unity with - a brother or sister. When we mistake personal preference for gospel issues we do not model the self-giving, self-surrendering love of Christ.

Name and clarify expectations. There is truth to the saying, unnamed expectations are resentments waiting to happen. It may take time to surface subconscious expectations you hold for your relationships, but once they begin to surface you can start to ask yourself: are these expectations reasonable? How do we need to solidify and clarify expectations for this relationship? Are there things in your relationships which need to be acknowledged, forgiven? What needs to be swallowed up by an ocean of grace?

Check in regularly. Once you have named and clarified expectations, checking in regularly is essential - are we okay? Are these expectations reasonable? How do these expectations need to shift and change over time, as the relationship changes? I have found knowing people and being in relationship with them outside of a shared common task enables understanding, familiarity, and empathy.

Be honest. Being honest and being brutal are not the same thing. Honest conversations are truthful, soaked in grace, and motivated by love. Honesty in relationship will help you keep short accounts. It can uproot bitterness before it has the opportunity to take hold. Be honest, and learn to invite and receive honest conversation.

Relationships, location, seasons of life and ministry are not obstacles to becoming more unified and loving, they are the means by which God uses to conform us to the image of His Son. The One who prayed that we would be one, that we would be known by our love. So don’t fight these gifts, embrace these gifts.